Eureka/OS!M

Today I had a breakthrough.

I've been loving my internship. I'm working with a bunch of young, energized people who believe in what they are doing (worlds away from interning with the State of Minnesota in the Executive branch a couple years ago, and from waitressing 40 hours a week). My work is usually challenging/interesting and I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something day in and out. But I still felt some of the latent frustration that I've become very familiar with. It's a frustration that denotes some level of apathy, boredom, or discomfort/disagreement with what I'm doing or being required to do. Like upselling. I hate upselling. Why should I waste my time convincing someone to buy a drink made with a more expensive brand of vodka or buy a full sized salad when they really don't care about the brand of alcohol or only want to eat a half salad? So each time I do it... I feel slightly disgusted with myself, even though my managers praise me at the end of the night when I have a slightly higher guest check average.

Anyway, I was feeling a bit like that, despite being generally very satisfied with my Democratic internship. It was definitely not overwhelming, nor something I thought about or noticed everyday. It just kind of nagged me from time to time. A little reminder that, while I may enjoy myself this summer, campaigning may not be the career for me. I couldn't put my finger on or define the issue, but it existed. Today while talking with D. about upcoming events, I finally figured out what it was - my unending idealism is poking its head into my life once again.

I have this belief that if people are empowered and educated on politicians, parties and policies, they will be willing and able to vote, and the sum of that vote would be a pretty fair indicator of what is best for the nation as a whole. I guess I just believe democracy should work, or something. That it could and should actually function as we teach our children it does. Because when you talk about it like that, it makes sense and seems fair and... something... Anyway, campaigning deludes this, destroys it. We spend so much time trying to figure out how to con and convince or otherwise talk or bribe or trick people into voting for our candidate or party. We're basically upselling (or selling in general) our party's product. And that sales mindset just doesn't ever sit well with me. I know I'm an everyday product and victim and active participant of/in the advertising industry and market economy. I realize that. I'm just not ready to like it.

That's what's happened to me in college. In high school people could tell me I was idealistic until they were blue in the face, and I wouldn't believe them. College has taught me that I am idealistic, but while I have come to realize and accept this, I'm just not willing to give it up yet. And people think that's strange, but without idealism and striving for something better - actually better, not merely tricking everyone into thinking it's better - where will we be? Our culture and society will stagnate. Innovation, working towards a goal (an ideal), striving to become more is a cornerstone of being human and is key to human progress. So, I'm not willing to give up my idealism. I just can't. It's a pretty integral part of me. Deal with it, all you cynics.

I'm also not willing to resign myself to daily cheerfulness and not hating my job. Moving forward, I'm going to look for careers and jobs where I don't have an underlying nagging coming from my idealistic side. I'm going to look for something that satisfies that part of my personality too.